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im hanging by a thread. i dont know what to do about this indian culture.?

im 22. yr old girl. my dad died when i was 14. since then i developed anxiety disoeder. my family doenst know, except my sister in law, but she doent tkae me seriously. and when things go wrong i panic, stress, cant sleep, sometimes comfort eat, drink etc i live at home with my mother. my older sis is married and lives an hr away and bro moved to canada 2yrs ago. i just recently finished uni with an art degree.in the 1st and 2nd yer i didnt go out much. i wasnt allowed to go out too much, maybe a once a month and sometimes zero times a month. in the 3rd year i went out a little more. i wanted to go out before i regretted it. and therefore i made a little stand for my right. after all my sis and bro used to go out all the time. but sometimes i had to,i had to set up my work for exhibition, so i stayed late in studios, then we had two private view nights and an after party. ofcouse i wanted to go and be there. its what i had worked for. and ina heated argument my sis stold me That her husband and my brother where having a conversation about me and throught that because i have been ‘going out a lot’ because I have a ‘white bf.’. But I don’t. and my bro was thinking at the time to get some one to spy on me, see what I get up to. This is killing me. im so paranoid and unhappy. This all made more sense to me when, my sis told a lot of people in a wedding that we were looking for an Indian boy to get me married to. They think I want to marry a white guy. But I don’t care about race. I believe u should marry in disregard to colour, wealth, beliefs etc. on the surface it seems that everything is dilly dally, but I now its not underneath. There are people following me, watching me and I haven’t even done anything, I know I am not allowed to date so I don’t. I always try to do the right thing and have helped my bro and sis out as much as I couild with them gone ect. By bro and sis are 10yrs older than me. but they broke all the rules in there time. They dated dated behind our parents back and my bro even went paris! No onw was watching them. I am the only one who has played by the rules. And I cant believe what my life is made up of for the future. marriage etc. its not arranged, I can chose, but I feel so pressured and I don’t know what I want. Ic ant stand this. They have sucha hold on me. I feel like I cant have any friends, coz of the way they might perceive things. Im so fed up. Its like mental torture. Ive lost all trust in them. I feel sad all the time, ive lost motivation, my creativity is blocked and I self harm and depressed all the time, I just don’t want to live anymore. I want out. but don’t know how?

Public Comments

1. You need to start seeing a therapist, especially if you have gotten to the point where you are harming yourself. Who cares if they have someone following you and watching you? You're not doing anything wrong. When they get reports back of you doing nothing, then they will eventually get bored of it and start to trust you. It sounds like they are controlling you, and it sounds like you care too much what they think about you. Seek help ASAP.
2. hello, i am of indian descent too.. and yes my parents suck as well lol. its really tough for someone of indian descent to live a 'normal' lifestyle anywhere outside of india, especially if your family is strict (as i can tell from yours). i hope everything turns out okay for you. hmm, i can't say or do anything that will contribute to your situation but i can offer you my aol if you'd like to talk or ventilate: 'punjabiboi1337' (made in highschool btw.. haha)